I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
