Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
