I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
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