My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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