I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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