and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just cropdusted the office
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
