we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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