When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
