whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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