Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
