I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
