I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
