so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
