I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
