i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How external is "for external use only"?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
