I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
