I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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