Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
