omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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