Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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