Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
