Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i need some magic done to my vagina
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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