I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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