I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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