i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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