Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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