my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm getting married
To pizza
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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