You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
