did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
