god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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