i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
