Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
