Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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