i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
