Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
