Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
