You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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