I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
