So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
