MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
