I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
