I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
