I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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