Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
where are my pants?
in the oven.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
