Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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