watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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