And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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