end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish I only lived at night.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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