he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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