If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
